Today I’ll share with you some advice I received from a women regarding what she’s learnt from her experience:
“A counselor told me my children are mine to discipline and to raise. If there should be any issues, my spouse should bring them to me and we should discuss them and come to a resolve before we change anything or discuss issues with my kids. At times, I was so frustrated because I felt like I was alone in raising my kids but in end this style was right on. My spouse did not discipline my children, I did. He did not make changes and demands on my children, I did. This way he was never the "bad step-parent". I know at times this is hard for my new current spouse but it truly has helped in the transition of becoming a blended family. My step-children do not know my frustration, changes in the home or how I feel over certain situations. This enables us to have a better relationship.”
What are your thoughts on this approach? Have you tried it? Do you agree with it? I look forward to your response.
Warm regards
Adele Cornish BSW
Blended Family Advisor
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52 comments:
We have tried this but the kids know it comes from me, because their father will come home and discipline them about things that happened while they were home alone with me. They then see me as a "dobber" which I think they hate more than if I had just disciplined them myself.
So I really like the "idea" of this, but what if my spouse doesnt generally discipline? He is a very very relaxed father, and doesnt expect much of anything out of his daughter and on the other hand I have expectations for mine... so it leaves me in a bad position because she has to behave and somebody has to say something. I have also been the one who "tells" on certain actions that happen when he is not home and then not only am I a tattle tale in her eyes, I am also "picking" on her in her dads eyes
I suggested this to my spouse but she didn't agree with the idea and continues to discipline whenever she feels that it's needed. I don't agree with her and she is not willing to compromise.
Yes, we have tried this too but it doesn't seem to work in our household. The children need to know that my husband & I are on a united front. I am alone with the children for most of the day & there is no way that I could wait until he came home before discipline was enforced.
I agree that both the step and bio parent should discuss the issue and the discipline in response to it before it is handed out. I also think that either the step or the bio should do the disciplining. The kids should respect both, and know that it is coming from both.
I have mixed feelings on this. I am fairly 'new' to the blended family so I admit I dont know a lot. But, I believe your spouse should discipline or enforce the house rules the same as a babysitter/grandparent/aunt/uncle/teacher would. You cant leave this person with no power or the step children will run them over. But the bio parent is number 1 and needs to be involved in any major issue & they must BOTH have a united front and talk to the child as a UNIT. This shows the child this isnt just an evil step parent or a tattling step parent, but 2 parents that agree on the issue.
I believe that parents should present a united front. As children grow older, they sense the weak link and will start to exploit it to fit their needs. It is important to let both sets of kids know that the two of you are now one and it is important that the parents agree on a parenting style/disciplining style before moving forward. Once an agreement is made on style...there shouldn't be any issues with who enforces the punishment. Once the kids realize that they cannot "get over" on one or the other or get one of the parents "in trouble" for disciplining them...everything starts to settle down.
To me this is incomplete advice. How involved is the other bio- parent in the children's lives? My stepchildren have a very drug-addicted mother, whom my husband & I prefer is not too involved in the children's lives. Therefore, I'm their main mom. The household would fall apart if we weren't together on parenting.
I learned this principle at a men's camp. I learned that Joseph was a step father to Jesus. Jesus was an immaculate conception, Joseph had nothing to do with the pregnancy, but he had a lot to do with providing the support and protecting Mary from the ridicule and the rumours at the time being pregnant and out of wed lock. That was against all the rules in those days. It was a revelation to me. I wanted to know how to be a step father, I had the perfect model. Only there is not much written about Joseph in the Bible however I discovered the Father of fathers, God Himself. A whole knew world opened up before me and I had finally found a way to change myself and develop a new love for my wife and the boys. I now know that every child and every person has the potential to perform miracles, just like Jesus. Life was no longer about me and my authority; it was about how I could provide an environment for my wife and boys to reach their full potential. The Bible revealed to me that it was Mary the mother of Jesus that had the authority. If you read the book of John, Chapter 2 verses 1 to 11 you will see that it was Mary that directed Jesus to perform His first miracle. It was here that I learnt the principal that has been highlighted in the blog. The natural parent is the one in authority. From this point onwards I knew my responsibility was to love my wife and love her sons no matter what because what was missing in the relationship was love. I learned the Father of all fathers is doing that all the time whether you believe it or not. To discover the true meaning of Agape Love has served our family well now for the last 9 years.
In my situation, I have become the disciplinarian because my new wife will not. I discipline my son and hers and often at her request. I am fair to both. But, it must be realized that like bio parents, blended parents will bring different strengths to the table. And, if you love and trust each other, you can defer a role to the other. Each situation will have diffent factors for success.
Michele.. I have mixed feels also on this idea. My husband has never really disaplined his 3 girls or had household chores...than I come along and have standards, which are not too high-but requires respect. I find we disagree on how they should pick up after themselves or what I can say to them. I think he is afraid they will not want to stay with us with some rules, because bio mom does not have any either. These girls are teenagers they can have responsibilities. They need to see both of us united. I am open to even have bio mom apart of our family, but she is too threaten by me.
I feel that isn't truly a relationship, it's more of a dictatorship, and it also displays separation, the husband has just as much right to discipline the children as well as motivation, and loving on the child. People are always willing to accept the positive and skip the perceived negative. I encourage my husband to have a balanced relationship with my children, as I have with his.
Both my husband and I parent (including discipline) his two children as well as our daughter. I am with all three children most of the time so I raise them just like I would if I gave birth to them. Having a hands-off discipline approach would leave me feeling frustrated and send a message to our children my husband and I are not a team. I definitely think that both parents need to discipline and need to present a united front even if they disagree behind closed doors.
I agree. However, in my household I am the step-parent, but makes the decisions on disipline. I love my step- daughter with all my heart as my husband does. He tends to take the easy road, brushing things under the rug or ignoring them. I am the problem solver in the family and we have all learned to rely and trust that quality in me. It has brought us closer as a family. We all have certain things we are better at than others. My step daughter and I have a great relationship. This is what works for us.
Great comments all around. And thanks for the blog, Adele. I am an educator and am raising five kids, 7-17, three of whom are mine, two are his. I think that admonishment should fall to whomever is present, with any sort of punishment meted out by the blood parent. The same holds true for any ridiculously long sporting event: blood parent stays til the bitter end!! But seriously, the longer I am a step-parent, parent, and teacher, the more I believe you have to trust in your own instincts and operate in a way that is both swift and fair. You would not stand by and watch two children beat each other down on a playground. We are adults and we must act as such. The best parenting advice I have seen in years comes from watching Cesar Millan in the Dog Whisperer, a popular show on U.S. television. He operates strictly on energy and who is in charge. I couldn't put it any more simply. If you are not in charge and are waiting for some mythical blood-parent being to come home, then you are purposely giving up your power. Power tends to be in the moment. And the longer I'm alive, the more I think that this lesson holds true in any situation. If you are left in charge, then by all means, be in charge. Kids need to think that someone is in control of the situation to feel secure. Settle the rest after hours. They deserve that from any adult who is in charge of them. Take control, make them feel secure. Save the other drama for later between adults.
I am with my step kids a lot on my own, so I obviously have to discipline them. Sometimes though when their dad is also there I feel he doesn't seem to notice them fighting, or jumping on the sofas etc. so I tell them off. He said he would but he is waiting to see what they'll do. I don't believe it really because it can be getting really out of hand and he still does nothing. He told me off in front of the kids the other day because I was 'nagging' for the younger one to eat properly. I couldn't believe he did this in front of the kids. So now if I say something, they don't listen to me much at all!
My partner and I have discussed discipline a few times, he feels I am a bit soft and he would do it different. He is willing to compropmise and decided to take a back seat as it were and leave it to me, he has stepped in a couple of times. With time, he has realised that leaving it to me is best for my son and it is working. It is helping my son and my new partner to build a good relationship and they have good communication. I know it is very hard at times all round to adjust to a new situation and it is not going to perfect. I think good communication and working as a team works well, for your relationship and for building a good rappor with the children. Like the opinion of most from comments, you do not want your spouse to be viewed as the big bad wolf!
For me, the crucial issue is whether using discipline really makes you into a 'bad' parent or step-parent. It should really be an expression of love. Although it's hard to get it right sometimes, good discipline used firmly, sensitively and creatively is one of the best gifts that children can receive, as it is a learning experience and reminds them that boundaries exist for our well being, safety and development. Sometimes my partner refrains from disciplining my son, and on occasion from even talking directly to him or hugging him. I can end up feeling overwhelmed with frustration about this as I can see that my son feels left out or undervalued or simply not heard. I have explained that I don't wish to be a funnel for communication between the two of them. They need to develop their own relationship together which they can draw on if I am not there. The dots need to be joined up between us all for there to be true harmony between us. And, I believe, this requires my partner to demonstrate affection, interest, discipline and comfort towards my son, as a loving adult in the home. And to be the one to initiate it sometimes, as he is the grown up after all. Anything less, and my son might conclude that adult males (like his own father) are remote, distant, and unable to respond to or take responsibility for young children directly without going through the mother. There has to be a better model than this for liberating old and young men and boys from isolation and the betrayal of unloving fathers.
In theory it is a good idea, and it may work for some, depending on the children and the relationship they have with each parent. One problem that many people have is that there are children coming with both parents. If you handle them dramatically different (as would happen with 'you take care of yours and I'll take care of mine) then they will see the unfairness and resent it.
Coming from a step-mom perspective, if I had not been "allowed" to discipline, I would have felt like even more of an outsider. We were married several years before I had a baby of my own, if I had been excluded from this important part of raising my step-daughter, I would have felt like it was them and me...not us as a family. My husband is very relaxed when it comes to discipline, and often needs me to show him how his daughter's behavior will not help her when she gets out in the real world. We have worked out a great system...when my step-daughter does something that requires grounding, I ground her and my husband decides when her grounding is over. It keeps me from being the bad guy and I love that! I think kids desire to have a family as close to "normal" as possible, having both parents participate in discipline makes the family that much closer to "normal".
I dont agree with this theory. I agree with the person who said the kids treat you as a dobber and therefore not a friend who can be trusted. I make sure the children are perfectly clear on what is acceptable and what isnt and if any doubt, their father backs me up. My partner is great in that he always backs me up and if he doesnt agree then he will tell me in private. Discipline should be doen then and there not dragged out unless its severe. I find the biggest problem is going from fun friend to disciplining adult. I dont have children but i treat them as mine or there is no point being there, therefore i am part of their growing up and by default my thoughts, my oppinions and hence my 'limits' are part of their lives. If i cant be me, then i shouldn't be a 'family'!
We have tried this method and it didn't work for us. It divided the family. My husband's children don't see me as a family member because I didn't have a voice. Children need discipline/correction at the time of the event or observation. If it doesn't happen then, there is no respect. You are only a sissy la la/tattle tale as opposed to an authorative adult.
I think it depends on your situation. We married when our children were 1,2,3, and 4 years old, so the kids were able to accept discipline from both of us. I can't speak for older children. It's now four years later and still works pretty well. Also, I am a stay at home mom for all four (two of his, two of mine) It would be impossible for me to not be able to discipline during the day while he is at work. When he is here, he is a little softer on his two than I would be. However, because I show love along with discipline, his kids know that I love them and whether I am their step-mom or bio-mom, my steady love combined with discipline gives them security that ALL kids need.
Good idea in theory, but far to many times my step children know it is I that said something that caused them to get disciplined. No matter which route is taken I will always be the bad stepparent. I think we have to define discipline, is it a correction or punishment. That is best for the two head of household to determine.
I do not agree with this approach. The step-parent should not have to sit on the sidelines and let the natural parent do all the disciplining. The step-parent should be able to discipline as the feel fit. It's really unfair to only the nautrual parent discipline. The children need to learn to respect both parents. I had a counselor tell me that I should be friends with my step children and not try and play a parental role. Why am I labeled a "step-mother", then? I should be called a "step-friend." This approach confuses all children involved and makes the step parent feel more helpless than they already do.
While I don't even attempt to enforce "punishments" on my step children, (and neither does my husband enforce them on my bio children), I do talk with my step kids about what is going on, both good and bad. It is very hard for me to do a "we need to talk" with my step kids but once I got away from the idea that I needed to impose any punishments on them and just told them about how their behavior affects me, it is much better. I think it is important for the children to know if I am frustrated with them and I think it helps our relationship if they hear it directly from me rather than through their dad. It is hard for me to do, but its always much better afterwards.
I don't impose punishments, but I do allow natural or logical consequences to occur. For example, my teenage step daughter defied her father one weekend and would not come home from a friend's when he told her to. I did laundry that weekend and since she was not there to help, I didn't do hers. The following weekend, she did help with laundry and I told her that I didn't do it the week before because I was annoyed that she wasn't there to help because she was being defiant. She "got" it and I think she appreciated my honesty about it.
My husband is so layed back with child rearing, it appears that he doesn't care. He has admitted to being "stupid" about things, and doesn't see things as they happen. I told him I would help him out to see these things, but he continues to have his head buried in the sand and his children, especially his son, who is 14, run all over him and takes advantage big time. I'm getting so frustrated to have this kid running our household. I think the bottom line is he's afraid if he disciplines like he's supposed to, his son will want to go live with his mother, which at this point is fine with me.
I completely agree that the discipline should be handed out right then and there and if it happens to be the step-parent, then so be it. But what happens when discipline is deemed necessary and both bio and step parent are there, bio parent is oblivious and does nothing, step mom deals the discipline immediately. She ends up as the "mean one"......it can be very frustrating.
I definitely agree. This was not done in our home for the past three years and we are struggling to repair damaged step-parent-non bio child relationships.
I disagree! Being a step-mother the 3 & 4 yr old spend alot of time with me. Its not right for dad to come home and discipline them for something he didn't see them do. It also makes him out to be the bad guy all the time. When we married we took on each others family as our own. So even though mom doesn't like it they are also my children, when they are with me they have to follow the rules or they will be punished. It's no difference than if they were in school. They have to follow the teachers rules or they will be punished. If we leave it up to mom/dad, what happens when mom/dad doesn't discipline them? Look at the world today that's what happens. We are to be their PARENTS not their friend. We need to act like it. mom of 20 years!
sigh
I was gonna say most of what is already written
in reality "wait until dad gets home" doesnt work. cause you gotta stop children in their tracks
you cant allow a behaviour until dad get home
and the threat alone is fairly worthless
sometimes my wife will call me and ask and we'll hash it out and then my wife can say "i spoke to your father and he expects you to....."
that usually works until then kids are 13-14
then what?
best discipling them when their very young and will allow a hug from the non bio parent.
later is well...sigh
I have tried to voice just this approach to my partner but until he read it from someone else it wasn't sinking in. My children are older 12, 14 and 18. HOW things my partner would say about chores, picking up after yourself, putting things back put my kids on the defence. HOW we parent is also different, so when he doesn't say anything he can just be himself and not a "parent". Also, my children don't see him as their parent in the first place (he's "mom's boyfriend") so it makes it easier on everyone by him not trying to be their parent and easier on me because I was always put in the middle no matter who I agreed with. He doesn't feel like an outsider and getting along happily is more important than the dishes getting done. I can always ask them to "do" whatever when I get home or ground them for inappropriate behaviour without it damaging their relationship.
We also have tried this method a couple of times. The times that we used it, it worked partly because when the disciplining took place i was beside my spouse, so the kids understood that even though he was doing the disciplining we were still a team. He included me in on the conversation, as well as making sure that the kids understood that "we" as a team made the decision. I think the success of this method depends a lot upon the age of kids too.
Lot of good comments /experience written here. But what I'm really seeing is that everyone's situation is unique and therefore there is no perfect answer. My husband and I have 3 of his and 2 of mine we're trying to raise, and flexibility between he and I has been key. We share the lead at times, and others we have to lead individually--totally dependent upon the situation as well as its seriousness. All of the kids know we're a team, we both love them, and that they are expected to mind both of us.
I am a step mother and my partner the bio parent has always used the united front and talked to his kids about "we" when it comes to disciplining and making the kids aware of our expectations. I think it is essential if you want a successful blended family.
It’s a hard situation. Here the father unwilling to discipline his daughter (9yrs) …but will have a go at me for disciplining his daughter???? I have a 2yr old and 7mths baby, so we need structure here. After her visits my 2yr old is a monster for at least a week, doing all the naughty stuff she does…including the dangerous stuff.
The ‘we’ is a great idea, but must be maintained. I feel if I need to tell the father to discipline his daughter then I am giving up my power and she needs to respect me as much as I am ment to respect her. Since we haven’t been able to find a balance, his daughter only comes for a visit once a month. Both of them agreed to this…I had simply had enough. Hopefully fewer visits will help us come together and then be able to have her more again. When I was growing up I would never dare to be so rude and disrespectful to an adult. And yes I came from a ‘broken’ family, but it was not allowed in both households.
This idea sounds great in theory if the bio parent follows through on the dicipline! However,I have found in my family that the bio dad (my husband) is so burdened with guilt and trying to make up for my step daughters loss (her mother died 12 years ago)that he is unable to or has a hard time emotionally following through with the consequences. I find this to be true in most blended families that I know. I just try to stay out of it now.
I believe in the united front and we try very hard to achieve this with our family (3 boys mine - 1 boy & 1 girl his). The biggest obstacle to this united front is what we consider "appropriate discipline". We often clash over what we think is appropriate for an event that requires some sort of discipline, I'm a softie most of the time and do not agree with his methods at times. This causes huge conflicts for us and my partner resents my stepping in and trying to moderate his discipline (yep, I get very upsest at what methods he uses and i get very vocal about it). he then gets peed off and leaves it all to me. (I'm digging my own grave here I know). Its been 5 years and we still struggle sometimes.
I think it depends on the situation. I am bio Mum of four and my husband is bio Dad of two. I have many more years of experience of parenting and he was too scared to put boundaries in place for his children to the point that we had them sleeping with us and he would get up in the night and feed them if they were hungry (ages 5 and 8). He was willing to learn some parenting strategies to put boundaries in place but it has meant that at times I have been the disciplinarian. It was hard for four children with expectations regarding their behaviour to watch two children who could do whatever they liked so we decided to change the situation and try and reach middle ground. If i hadn't been leading the way with discipline we would have two separate families living under the same roof- now we have one with the same rules applicable to all. At times this has been stressful and frustrating but overall it has led to a more cohesive unit
I have been a step-parent to four kids 8 - 14 years old for nearly 2 years. When we first got together, my partner and I agreed on the 'united front' approach, and he always backs up whatever I say in front of the kids, and 95% of the time behind the scenes too. I often am left with 1-4 of the kids on my own, and I always feel confident to say directy to the kids what doesn't work about their behaviour. I always point out the in appropriate behaviour, not denigrate the person.
We have worked out a series of consequences for bad behaviour and I now have no problem imposing such consequences. I usually negotiate the consequence with the child in question - it seems to get them more engaged with the process and have them think harder about their behaviour.
I have also raised with their dad incidences where he lets them get away with stuff, and he is much more active now in disciplining them 'in the moment', which I believe is the most effective.
We had a family meeting recently where we talked about responsibilities as members of a large family, all with busy lives. We discussed household chores and agreed to and drew up a schedule, so everyone was clear what was expected of whom, every day. Although the children don't always do their chores with utmost joy, there are far fewer arguments now, and I don't have to ask 3-5 times for something to be done. This has made our household so much more peaceful, and my life much more relaxing!
I think any parenting process is a life-long work-in-progress, but I do believe there is much value in persevering with the principles of Blended Family Success and other similar publications on step-parenting, to fulfill on one's goal of a happy, healthy blended family.
In an earlier relationship, when the kids were mine, I asked my partner to share the responsibility of my kids with me and gave her "powers" equal to my own. We discussed things jointly and always reflectd a "joint front" to the kids.
Now the tables are turned on me. My kids are adults and out of the home. My new partner has 3 school going kids. when the relationship started I discussed the "blended family" thing with her. At that time she said she welcomed the support as she had been "worn down". Her parenting style in my opinion is far too relaxed, with minimal rules and no consequences. So when I did try and suggest we set rules and consequences and then hold family meetings, this is when things broke down. She became defensive and communication also broke down mainly to her continuos interuptions and never wanting to hear me out. I joined the "Blended Family" site in a hope of finding a resolution to our problems. I love her and her children, but everytime I try & speak to her, things only get worse as a result of her destructive communication style.
What I was suggesting upfront and for a number of months was very much along the lines of what I have now read in the e-books I have received.
But I firmly buy into the concept that both bio and step need to work our the rules, the bio can communicate this to her kids with the step in the room 9in silentt support). Excercising discipline would be up to the disposition of the kids. In some cases were the kids accept the step, then discipline should be by either, otherwise communicated by the bio and supported by the step. I like the use of the "we" when disciplining.
This subject weighs heavily on my heart. And I'm sure it shows.
The 'we' approach is effective and shows a united front, but sometimes my kids need to think it is coming from me, and NOT their step-dad whom they believe to be more strict. In certain instances when I dole out a consequence, they'll say aside to each other, "Oh, that's Steve talking." This has to be shot down or I look weak and ineffectual. I will say, "Oh, no! I havent' even talked to him about it. Nope, this is mama talking." I think it is a real risk for women to appear to not be able to make discipline decisions on our own. Men are seen as doing it right on the spot, no 'convening' nonsense, whereas women are seen as scurrying off to get a consensus before we act. I watch this as much as anything. Because that is just toooooo 1950s for me. Sometimes my kids need to see me call the shot immediately, so that they know I am still watching over them.
As a step mother of a 14 yr old I would prefer to be more involved with the discipline "life lessons"(as her father calls it) rather than being excluded. It's not a good feeling in one's own home.
As a step mother of a 14 yr old I would prefer to be more involved with the discipline "life lessons"(as her father calls it) rather than being excluded. It's not a good feeling in one's own home.
I am the mother of one 15 year old boy and the stepmother to a 15 year old boy. My son lives with us most of the time and my stepson on the normal visitation schedule. As a rule, I discipline my stepson on house issues - clean room, table manners, etc. On the occassion where he has done something to his father - I will address it. Otherwise, I do not discpline him. On the other hand, my husband disciplines my son far too often on issues that are not "house issues" and it has caused a real problem. Particularly because he doesn't discipline his own son for doing exactly the same thing my son had done. Everyone but my husband sees this - my son, me AND my stepson. It has taken a toll on my feelings toward my stepson, I am very protective of my own son And pretty angry at my husband. This past year I had to establish some very hard boundaries for my husband. The result is that there is much less strain in the house between everyone. When my husband oversteps his boundaries with my son - I address it immediately and not just stand by and watch it happen. I make sure I do it in a caring way and a gentle way and this seems to be working.
I'm a mother to a three year old and a stepmother to a nine year old. My nine year old is diagnosed with ADHD, and we have seen several doctors and therapist and is now taking the drug concerta. I didn't and i guess still don't completely believe that drugs are the answer but my husband, (who also has ADHD) swears by it. I am the one who is at home with both our sons all day, we took the nine year old of school (homeschooled now) because of all the problems. My husband insists that if his son ever has a problem its because of the drugs and won't consider any other method of punishment or any other alternative to taking a prescription. I don't know what to do and i feel myself growing farther and farther apart from my stepson as his actions get worse and worse. How do i talk to my husband about this? and if anyone knows of a good website to learn more about dealing with children with ADHD i would truly appreciate some advice!
Thank you to those who have commented on this topic to date. It's great to learn from the experiences of others in a blended family. I'll highlight a couple of points made.
# Even though people's views of who should be responsible for discipline appear to vary (e.g. the bio or step parent or both), most comments identified the importance of having a united approach to discipline.
# If the bio parent in your household is responsible for disciplining his or her own children, include your partner (the
stepparent) by using "we" phrases. For example "You know (we) your stepmother/father and I have decided this is not acceptable..."
Adele Cornish BSW
Blended Family Advisor
I am a step-mother of 3 boys (12, 15, 17). They are with us every 2nd weekend, and holidays, so not full-time, but in a way, this is harder. When I arrived on the scene the boys did basically nothing around the house, but now have to keep their bedrooms tidy and clean up the dishes after dinner. With regards to discipline, my partner sees it as his role and doesn't seem to want to take on the "united" front, even though we went to counselling and was told that I should be involved as well. I find it difficult, as he is quite lax with them, and spoils them, as he seems to think they won't want to come and stay if they don't get want they want. I find I can't quite relax when they are with us. I don't want to be their parent, but I do think that long-term discipline will help them, and if they see that I'm not able to be involved, then I will never be a real part of the family. As Nigel Latta says, children need to understand that "life isn't fair" and that when they get out working they are going to have to be more disciplined and understand they are not the centre of attention all the time.
We are lucky in the fact that my spouse is home when his children are here. He is a strict father and he does all the disciplining of his children and I do all the disciplining of my children. We have never had to discipline each others and tend to keep out of it, as we have almost identical parenting standards. So far this has worked.
I am now worried though, as it's the Summer Holidays and I will be looking after the children on my own during the day for a couple of days. They are 5 year old twins and a 7 year old.
My problem isn't so much the children, but the problems being caused by his ex-wife. His ex-wife left him for someone else, and the relationship never lasted. Last week my partner got an email from her saying that she was "sick fed up of hearing from her children that I constantly shout at them". I don't do any disciplining at all - he does it all, and this works. I'm not sure where this comment has come from though, and as I am meant to be looking after his children during the summer holidays, I'm now feeling quite reluctant to do so.
It seems you can appear in a "no-win" situation whichever approach you take with this.
Ahhh, ex-wives are great aren't they. Just when you think that you and your husband are getting the house running smoothly they come along with their jealous ways and undermine things. Stick to your principles it sounds like you are doing a good job, but ask your husband to talk to his kids and see things from their perspective to get it out in the open. You will probably find the children said nothing of the sort.
My partner and I have agreed that she will discipline her children and I will discipline mine, when they are with us.
If we are all together then the united front kicks in and we both discipline them all so, hopefully, they know where they all stand.
It is a difficult situation and one I find awkward at times but we keep soldiering on....
I am a step-parent of two and a bio parent of a 2 year old. They all live with us full time. The older two can be unruly and disrespectful; they take literally hours to do their chores and find as many ways as possible to avoid doing what they've been asked to do. They run rings round me at the moment because they sense I'm trying to avoid disciplining them, but then they behave in a way that leaves me no choice and I end up coming down on them harder than I would if I were allowed to be in charge. It's tearing me apart to the point that I'm thinking of ending the relationship and being on my own with my daughter because I can't live with the stress of it all and I don't want my daughter growing up in a warzone. The more I try to distance myself and let their dad take over, the worse it gets.
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